GUEST BLOG: “Why do I still feel responsible for them?”

By Guest Blogger Amanda Joanne Hunter

Continued contact between survivors and perpetrators of domestic abuse is common when they share children.[i][ii] In my work in adult mental health services, I frequently use the Safe & Together™ Model when supporting survivors of domestic abuse who are co-parenting with a perpetrator.

Mental health professionals can effectively support survivors to help keep them and their children safe and together. This includes helping survivors to navigate any feelings of responsibility or concern that they have towards the perpetrator.

When survivors and perpetrators of domestic violence co-parent

Many non-offending parents talk about how they want their children to have a relationship with the perpetrating parent. Even when this is not the case, perpetrators of domestic abuse are often given access to their children in child custody cases.

When the survivor and perpetrator make arrangements for their children, this can present a number of challenges and safety concerns for the non-offending parent and children. Even when they do not have direct contact, the perpetrator of domestic violence can continue to engage in controlling and abusive behaviour towards the non-offending parent. 

Supporting survivors in recognizing key behaviours

The perpetrator’s controlling or abusive behaviour in co-parenting situations might include:

• Accusing survivors of being unfit parents
• Continued verbal or emotional abuse directed at the non-offending parent during conversations or message exchanges
• Changing pick-up and drop-off times or cancelling visits with little or no notice so that the non-offending parent is unable to plan activities. 
• Blaming schedule changes or cancelled visits on the non-offending parent. This can cause children to become angry with the non-offending parent – especially if survivors accept blame so their children don’t feel rejected.
• Trying to turn children against the non-offending parent.
• Encouraging disrespectful or abusive behaviour towards the survivor. 
• Refusing requests for the survivor to travel or move home with children.

These types of behaviours can impact the safety of non-offending parents and children.[iii][iv][v] Children, for example, might feel pressured, fearful, sad, to blame or anxious as a result of the perpetrator’s behaviour.[vi]

Many non-offending parents recognise the impact of these behaviours on their children but may feel powerless in the situation.

Perpetrators who position themselves as a victim

In order to maintain control over the non-offending parent, the perpetrator may position themselves as a victim. Even before the relationship ended, the perpetrator might have blamed their behaviour on mental health difficulties or other circumstances to avoid taking responsibility for the abuse. 

Perpetrators might portray themselves as a vulnerable victim to make the non-offending parent feel sorry for them. For example, they may ask for money and mention how they won’t be able to pay for their rent or food. They may also try to seek emotional support from the non-offending parent if they expected them to fix their problems in the past. 

When survivors feel responsible for the perpetrator’s wellbeing

It can often be difficult for non-offending parents to say no to the perpetrator’s requests for financial or emotional support. They might struggle if they still care for or love the perpetrator. Survivors may also want to help the perpetrators because they are their child’s parent. 

Survivors might also feel concerned about the impact on children if the perpetrator does not get the requested support. They may worry about children being affected if they are unable to see their parent or do certain activities when visiting the perpetrator. They could also have concerns about the perpetrator taking out their anger on children.  

Continuing to feel responsible for the perpetrator for any reason can feel very difficult, confusing and conflicting for survivors. If they do not or cannot help, survivors may feel fearful or guilty. They may also face pressure from the perpetrator.

Supporting survivors’ feelings

Survivors may feel shame if they help the perpetrator. Shameful feelings could be heightened if family, friends or professionals judge survivors for helping the perpetrator or for feeling bad about not helping. Feeling judged can leave survivors feeling lonely and isolated. Other people’s expectations that survivors will feel anger or hatred towards the perpetrator can also leave survivors feeling more confused or shameful if they don’t have these feelings.

If survivors do provide the perpetrator with support, this can also have a detrimental financial or emotional impact on them and their children.

How we can support the safety of adult and child survivors when co-parenting with perpetrators

In adult mental health services, we are not working directly with children and often do not have any contact with children. However, we have a responsibility to be aware of children’s emotional and physical safety when working with their parents.

To promote safety for children, I have found it helpful to apply the principles of the Safe & Together™ Model when supporting survivors of domestic violence who are co-parenting with perpetrators. Research has shown that the Safe & Together Model can completely shift the experience of survivors working with professionals.[vii][viii] [ix]

If you are new to the Safe & Together Model and want to learn more, please click here.

Principle 1- Keeping the child safe and together with the non-offending parent.

Supporting the child’s safety involves focusing on their emotional and physical safety, healing from trauma and promoting stability and nurturance for them. 

When partnering with adult survivors, we should take their concerns about children’s emotional and physical safety seriously. We should clearly document the impact of the perpetrator’s behaviour on children that the survivor is describing. We also have a responsibility to raise any child protection concerns relating to the perpetrator’s behaviours.

Non-offending parents often express concerns about their child’s mental health in relation to the abuse and ongoing contact with the perpetrator. Staff should be aware of local mental health and trauma support services for children and share this information with parents.

We should also document how non-offending parents protect children and provide them with stability and nurturance. One example of protective behaviours might include taking the blame for the perpetrator’s behaviour. Another could be the survivor allowing the perpetrator to visit their home to see the child (even if this is uncomfortable for the survivor). 

Documentation of the perpetrator’s behaviour, the impact on children and the survivor’s protective action can provide clear evidence to support children staying with the non-offending parent in child protection or custody cases. 

Principle 2 – Partnering with the non-offending parent as the default position.

Partnering with survivors involves seeing them as capable and knowledgeable about their situation. Supporting survivors also means learning about their individual circumstances, respecting their decisions and focusing on the support that they want.

By partnering with survivors to offer them effective mental health support, we are supporting the safety, stability and nurturance of their children. When parents have good mental health, they are able to engage with and support their children, which improves the child’s wellbeing.[x]

Ways we can support and partner with survivors who feel responsible for perpetrators of domestic violence include:

• Supporting survivors by helping to identify their experience as domestic abuse. Some survivors may not recognise or be ready to acknowledge that they have experienced domestic abuse. This is common when they have experienced emotional abuse or coercive control where perpetrators have controlled, intimidated and isolated them. If the survivor grew up in an abusive environment, this may also cause them to see the perpetrator’s behaviour as being normal.
  
  Being able to see the perpetrator’s patterns of behaviour, control
  and manipulation as domestic abuse can help survivors to understand their feelings of responsibility in a different way. Adult and child survivors may also be able to access specialist domestic abuse support if they acknowledge the abuse.
  
  To help survivors identify domestic abuse, it is important to take a sensitive and cautious approach. It can be helpful to reflect back their description of the perpetrator’s behaviour. You can then cautiously suggest that the behaviour was abusive by saying something like, “Please let me know if this doesn’t feel right for you. From what you’re describing, it sounds like your ex-partner’s behaviour was abusive. What do you think?”
  
  The survivor may or may not agree with this reflection, and it is important to support them either way.
  
  If they disagree, it is important to avoid trying to convince them that the
  behaviour was abusive. They may not see the behaviour as abuse or feel ready to face this experience. The best way to partner with survivors is to focus on the mental health support they want. You can still listen and offer non-judgemental support if they want to explore how they’re feeling and how their ex-partner’s behaviour is affecting them and their children.
  
  By supporting survivors without pressuring them to see their experience as abuse, we have the potential to build a stronger relationship with them. As they grow to trust us, we may be able to provide further support when/ if they are ready to acknowledge their experience of domestic abuse. In the meantime, we are still able to effectively support them and, by extension, their children.
  
  
• Supporting survivors by helping them explore their feelings (including feelings of responsibility for the perpetrator). Survivors may need a safe space to talk so they can understand any conflicting or confusing emotions they have towards the perpetrator (including any feelings of responsibility). Some survivors may be asking themselves questions like “Why do I still care for them?” or “Why do I still feel responsible for them?”
  
  As I mentioned above, family and friends might be upset with the survivor for feeling the way they do about the perpetrator or tell them they shouldn’t feel this way. And this can lead to the survivor feeling shame for their feelings.
  
  But there is no right or wrong way for the non-offending parent to feel. The love, caring and/ or sense of responsibility that some survivors feel towards the perpetrator is common. And these feelings are more complex than the survivor struggling with being co-dependent or having an unhealthy bond with the perpetrator.
  
  At the same time as having these feelings, survivors can also feel incredibly frustrated by the continued impact that the perpetrator is having on their life and the lives of their children. Many survivors want their children to have contact with their other parent. Survivors may also feel very frustrated, angry and let down if they are legally required to share custody and remain in contact with the perpetrator (even if they still care for them). These feelings may be especially strong if they are worried about their or their children’s safety.
  
  Being able to offer survivors a safe, non-judgmental space to gain an understanding of any complex feelings can make a huge difference to their mental health and wellbeing.
  
  
• Supporting survivors to build their confidence and feel able to assert themselves. Survivors of domestic abuse often want to work on building or rebuilding their confidence. Some survivors want to feel the confidence they had before meeting the perpetrator. Others have never felt confident.
  
  Survivors often want to feel confident in saying no and setting boundaries with other people, including the perpetrator whom they are co-parenting with. And it can feel scary as they learn to say no and set boundaries with people. Mental health professionals need to be aware that some of this fear is real. As a result, care and attention need to be given to the danger that could be created for many adult and child survivors if they set boundaries or say no to the perpetrator.
  
  Supporting survivors to see how they are protecting their children is one way of helping them build their confidence in themselves and their ability to keep themselves and their children safe. Survivors are often incredible parents—there is even some research that suggests they are better parents than non-survivor parents.[xi]
  
  Most survivors have worked hard to care for their children’s physical and emotional safety, their basic needs and maintain as safe, stable, and nurturing environment as possible. Helping them to recognize these strengths involves helping them identify the steps they took even if the perpetrator thwarted their efforts or they themselves took their own efforts for granted. Because many professionals aren’t trained to identify and validate her protective efforts, she may not have experienced this type of feedback before. Helping her make those behaviors visible to herself can hugely increase her sense of self-confidence.

Principle 3 – Intervening with the perpetrator to reduce risk and harm to child.

Engaging perpetrators in services directed at accountability and change can support the safety of adult and child survivors. As workers, we can help perpetrators see how their behaviour in co-parenting relationships is impacting their children and hold them accountable for this behaviour. Perpetrators’ concerns for the impact of their behavior on their children has the potential to be a strong motivator for change.

Ideally, this work would aim to help the perpetrator change their behaviour to help keep their children (and the non-offending parent) safe. But workers should also be documenting the perpetrator’s behaviour and its impact on their children. This is important information that can be used by the courts in child protection or custody cases to support the non-offending parent and children. 

Supporting survivors who are co-parenting with perpetrators

Supporting survivors who are co-parenting with perpetrators of domestic violence is relatively common in adult mental health services. Often, perpetrators in these situations continue in their attempts to control and/or harm the non-offending parent, which can impact the safety of adult and child survivors. At the same time, non-offending parents may experience complex and confusing feelings in relation to the perpetrator (including feelings of responsibility towards them).

The Safe & Together Model™ provides a helpful and effective model for adult mental health services to support the safety of children and the non-offending parent who is co-parenting with a domestic abuse perpetrator. Following the model, we can make a difference by:

• documenting the perpetrator’s behaviour and its impact on their children,
• partnering with the non-offending parent to gain an understanding of the perpetrator’s impact on children, 
• offering survivors sensitive mental health support that is tailored to their needs, and holding perpetrators accountable for their actions.

Safe & Together Resources for Supporting Survivors

For training and deepening your learning about supporting survivors, see what our e-courses on Partnering and Intersections offer.

For more in-depth online skills training in interviewing, documentation, assessment and case planning, check out our Virtual CORE.

The Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool can be used with survivors to create powerful documentation about harm to children, survivors’ protective capacities, and mapping how the perpetrator has impacted the mental health of your clients. To start using it right now, sign up here for a free 1-month trial.  

Don’t miss the “Trauma-informed is not the same as Domestic Violence-informed” podcast.