“A Reserve Army of Prevention Agents:”Time to Stop Parental Alienation Accusations & Start Acknowledging The Healing Role Of Domestic Abuse Survivors

Blog by David Mandel, CEO and Founder, Safe & Together Institute 

“Single mothers are essentially the unofficial reserve army of prevention agents in this country and around the world” – Jess Hill’s powerful observation highlights a dangerous paradox in our response to domestic violence: systems punish protective parents for the very work that helps children heal and prevents future violence.

Every day, protective parents (mostly mothers) who have survived domestic abuse work tirelessly to help their children heal from trauma while actively preventing them from either perpetrating or experiencing violence in their own future relationships. They do this complex, emotionally demanding work largely unsupported and, worse, often under threat of being labeled as “alienating” for simply helping their children process their experiences and learn about healthy relationships.

Research validates their critical role. Studies show that mothers experiencing domestic violence possess similar or higher quality parenting strengths compared to mothers in non-violent homes (Lapierre, 2008; Tailor et al., 2015). Maternal warmth and strong mother-child communication can significantly mediate the impact of domestic violence exposure (Haight et al., 2007; Skopp et al., 2007).

The Current Paradox in Documentation

While research validates survivor parents’ protective capacities, many systems still silence and punish the very people doing crucial prevention work. In family courts, discussing past abuse or helping children understand current safety risks can lead to accusations of “parental alienation.” This forces protective parents to choose between helping their children process trauma and potentially losing custody.

Imagine a Different Approach in Documentation

What if instead we:

• Provided financial support so protective parents could focus on their children’s healing
• Offered specialized training in trauma-informed parenting
• Taught protective parents skills for age-appropriate safety and trauma discussions
• Supported protective parents in helping children understand and process their experiences
• Created peer support networks for both parents and children
• Recognized their “essential” but often invisible protective efforts like maintaining employment, housing stability and children’s education despite perpetrator interference

This targeted trauma and domestic abuse-informed strategy makes sense because:

1. Research shows survivor parents actively take steps to promote child safety and well-being

2. Children already have a trusted adult invested in their healing

3. The protective parent has intimate knowledge of the specific patterns of abuse their children have experienced

4. Studies find maternal warmth and support can buffer children from trauma impacts

As the Safe & Together Institute’s research briefing (2017) concluded: “By building partnerships with adult survivors based on an accurate and comprehensive assessment of mothering strengths, child welfare systems services can better align themselves with needs of the family, hold the perpetrator accountable as a parent and keep more children safe in their own home.”

True prevention isn’t just about general education – it’s about supporting those already doing the work. It’s time to shift from a “failure to protect” and “parental alienation”  mindsets to recognizing and resourcing protective parents as the prevention experts they are.

Listen to the full discussion with Jess Hill and Professor Michael Salter on our latest Partnered with a Survivor podcast episode

Learn more:

• Take a course on Partnering with Survivors
• Safe & Together Institute Research Briefing: Domestic Violence Survivors’ Parenting Strengths
• Podcasts
• Jess Hill’s book “See What You Made Me Do”

References:

Haight, W. L., Shim, W. S., Linn, L. M., & Swinford, L. (2007). Mothers’ strategies for protecting children from batterers: The perspectives of battered women involved in child protective services. Child Welfare, 86(4), 41.

Lapierre, S. (2008). Mothering in the context of domestic violence: The pervasiveness of a deficit model of mothering. Child & Family Social Work, 13(4), 454-463.

Mandel, D., & Wright, C. (2017). Domestic violence survivors’ parenting strengths. Safe & Together Institute Research Briefing.

Skopp, N. A., McDonald, R., Jouriles, E. N., & Rosenfield, D. (2007). Partner aggression and children’s externalizing problems: Maternal and partner warmth as protective factors. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(3), 459-467.

Tailor, K., Stewart-Tufescu, A., & Piotrowski, C. (2015). Children exposed to intimate partner violence: Influences of parenting, family distress, and siblings. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(1), 29.