Real Accountability as a Pathway to Change: How the Safe & Together Model Benefits Perpetrators
By Leah Vejzovic, LMSW, North America Regional Manager, Safe & Together Institute
When attorneys and other professionals first learn about the Safe & Together Model, they often notice something that seems contradictory: the Model emphasizes being strengths-based with survivors while focusing on accountability with perpetrators. This difference in approach sometimes raises questions about whether the Model is truly fair or beneficial for those who have perpetrated domestic abuse.
The reality is that this distinction isn’t arbitrary—it’s strategic, evidence-based, and ultimately beneficial for everyone involved, including perpetrators who genuinely want to change. Here’s why accountability, when done right, is actually the best pathway forward for those who want to build healthy, safe relationships with the children they care for.
The Challenge with “Strengths-Based” Approaches for Perpetrators
Let’s start with why the Model takes a different approach with perpetrators. People who engage in domestic abuse are often skilled at manipulation and deflection. When practitioners use traditional strengths-based approaches with perpetrators, they frequently exploit these opportunities to:
Shift focus to how “good” they are and how “bad” their partner is.
Make excuses for their harmful behaviors.
Avoid meaningful engagement about the impact of their actions.
Control the narrative of the conversation.
Further their pattern of abuse towards survivors.
This isn’t helping anyone—least of all the perpetrator who claims to want change. It’s what we call “collusion”—when professionals validate abusive behaviors, accept excuses, and allow perpetrators to pivot away from examining their own actions. Collusion might feel more comfortable in the moment, but it ultimately prevents the real work that leads to genuine transformation.
Accountability as a Gift: Clear Expectations and Real Results
The Safe & Together Model’s focus on accountability isn’t punitive—it’s practical. For perpetrators who truly want to (re)build relationships with the children in their care and create stable family situations, accountability provides something invaluable: a clear roadmap to get there.
Here’s what accountability looks like in practice:
Clear behavioral expectations: Instead of vague advice about “being better,” practitioners help perpetrators understand exactly which behaviors are causing harm and exactly what needs to change. This specificity makes success more achievable.
Direct engagement about impact: Rather than allowing perpetrators to minimize their actions with phrases like “the children weren’t even there,” the Model helps practitioners draw clear connections between the full spectrum of abusive behaviors and their impact on both adult and child survivors.
Concrete plans for change: Using tools like the Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool, practitioners can develop specific, behaviorally based intervention plans. This isn’t guesswork—it’s a structured approach to transformation.
Child-Focused Motivation: A Powerful Driver for Change
One of the Model’s most effective strategies is framing domestic abuse as a parenting choice. This approach recognizes that many perpetrators are more motivated by their relationships with their children than by their partnerships with adult survivors.
When practitioners engage perpetrators around questions like “How do you want your children to see you?” and “What example do you want to set?” they tap into powerful motivational factors. Many perpetrators can reflect on their own experiences of being parented and their aspirations for their own parenting as drivers for change.
This focus on parenting also eliminates common deflection tactics. When someone harms a child’s caregiver, they are directly impacting that child’s well-being and safety. There’s no way to separate these actions from their parenting role.
The Alternative: Why Other Approaches Can Fall Short
Without the Model’s structured approach to accountability, perpetrators often face one of two inadequate responses:
Punitive approaches that aim to make them “disappear”: This ignores the reality that perpetrators who disappear often return after interventions end or move on to harm new families. It also abandons the possibility of positive change.
Avoidance or minimal engagement: Many systems simply don’t know how to engage meaningfully with perpetrators, leaving them without clear guidance for change and missing opportunities for intervention.
The Safe & Together Model offers a third option: genuine engagement that pulls perpetrators into the conversation about their behaviors and provides concrete pathways for change.
The Benefits: What Perpetrators Actually Gain
For perpetrators who are genuinely motivated to change, the Model offers significant advantages:
Predictable pathways to their goals: Whether their goal is reunification, maintaining custody, avoiding legal consequences, or simply having meaningful relationships with the children in their care, the Model provides clear steps to get there.
Investment in their success: Practitioners trained in the Model are taught to stay engaged and continue seeking out perpetrators, highlighting the importance of their role in their children’s lives—if they can be safe and positive. This isn’t about punishment; it’s about transformation.
Recognition of their importance: The Model acknowledges that positive, healthy, safe relationships with caregivers benefit children. It doesn’t write off perpetrators; it challenges them to become the caregivers their children need.
Honest feedback about impact: Rather than allowing perpetrators to remain in denial about the effects of their actions, the Model provides honest, direct feedback about how their behaviors affect their children and families. This honesty, while sometimes difficult, is essential for meaningful change.
The Reality Check: This Approach Isn’t Effective with All Perpetrators
Let’s be honest: the Safe & Together Model’s approach to perpetrator accountability may not be effective with all perpetrators. Some perpetrators simply don’t have the goal of trustful, safe relationships with their children or partners. Others may be so committed to maintaining power and control that they resist accountability regardless of the consequences.
The Model doesn’t claim to be a magic solution for those who don’t want to change. What it does provide is a clear, structured approach for those whose desire for positive relationships outweighs their desire for control. Importantly, when this approach reveals perpetrators who don’t want to or won’t change, this is actually a valuable outcome. It assists practitioners in clearly identifying where the risk sits and helps avoid holding survivors accountable for perpetrator choices.
The Bottom Line: Real Change Requires Real Accountability
The Safe & Together Model’s approach to perpetrator accountability isn’t about being “anti-perpetrator”—it’s about being pro-change. For those who genuinely want to build safe, trusted relationships with the children they care for, accountability provides the structure, support, and honest feedback necessary for transformation.
The Model recognizes that positive father-child relationships (and we use “father” broadly to include all male caregivers, biological or otherwise) are valuable—but only when they’re truly positive and safe. Relationships that exist regardless of their quality or safety aren’t beneficial for anyone, especially children.
For perpetrators who are ready to do the hard work of change, the Safe & Together Model offers something invaluable: a pathway to becoming the caregiver their children need and deserve. That’s not punishment—that’s possibility.
The question isn’t whether accountability is comfortable or easy. The question is whether it works. And for those committed to genuine change, the evidence suggests it does.
Additional Resources
Resource: Choose to Change Toolkit for Men
Safe & Together Institute’s domestic abuse–informed trainings
Safe & Together Institute’s upcoming events
David Mandel’s book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence
