Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers

How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence

by David Mandel, Creator of the Safe & Together Model

Book cover of "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers" by David Mandel, featuring a colorful gradient background.

Domestic violence survivors all over the world share the experience of protecting their children yet still being blamed for “choosing their partner over their children,” “failing to protect,” and “parental alienation.”

In this groundbreaking book written for professionals and survivors, David Mandel deconstructs the six key myths at the heart of mother-blaming and father-ignoring culture, demonstrating their flaws and limitations.

Supported by case studies and testimonials of practitioners and survivors, Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers shows you how the Safe & Together Model can help you learn new ways to partner with survivors and intervene with domestic abuse perpetrators as parents.

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Comic strip titled "Pivoting to the Perpetrator" depicting a discussion on domestic violence. A woman with a clipboard and a man in a suit talk about a mother in denial about domestic violence affecting her children. They discuss the perpetrator's abusive behavior, which includes physical violence and threats. The man acknowledges the difficulty the woman has in speaking about the abuse due to fear of escalation.

A Better Way to Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers

This book will show readers how to:

  • Understand complex concepts in a simple and easy way through comic art 

  • Apply the concepts of the Safe & Together Model and the Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool work in real life

  • Identify mother-blaming and father-ignoring in practices that harm children

  • Unlock the power in the concept of domestic violence perpetration as a parenting choice

  • Create systems that are more ethical, efficient, safer, and effective in their responses to domestic violence

  • Better intervene with perpetrators as parents

  • Give protective mothers fuller credit for their efforts

  • Offer new ways to keep more children safe and together with their protective parent

Watch "Pivoting to the Perpetrator" in Action

In this animated sequence from Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers, David helps a social worker shift his focus from blaming the mother to paying attention to the father’s control.

Man in suit at a cafe table with a cup of coffee, hand near face, thoughtful expression.

A Note from the Author

“I wanted to write a book that a practitioner or a survivor could pick up and recognize themselves in the anecdotes, the testimonials, and the conversations that are shared throughout the book. I even included comic art in order to make these self-reflections easier. It is my hope that this recognition will be a catalyst for change. I want readers to see how influential their experiences have been in informing the work of the Safe & Together Institute. It was critically important to me that the voices of practitioners and survivors were represented in the book.” –David Mandel

Reviews

  • Time and again, I have seen experienced practitioners from the child protection and family violence sectors marvel at the changes that occur for the families they work with when they have a shared foundation for practice through the Safe & Together Model and training. The articulation of this framework and its illustration through case examples, graphics, and cartoons will offer practitioners a shared framework through which they can refresh and reflect on their own work.

    Cathy Humphreys, Professor of Social Work, University of Melbourne, co-author of "Social Work and Domestic Violence: Developing Critical and Reflective Practice"

  • Written at the cusp of a revolution in the rights of women and children in personal life, the book targets a lay audience, is filled with real life case illustrations, and is beautifully illustrated with narrative cartoon strips by Aweli Emile. I recommend this book for every parent or practitioner who hopes to move the agenda for safe families forwards.

    Evan Stark, PhD, MSW, Professor Emeritus, Rutgers University and author of "Coercive Control" and "Children of Coercive Control"

  • "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers" offers a much-needed corrective to mother-blaming culture, expertly putting the spotlight on abusive fathers and emphasizing their accountability for their actions. The book is a must-read, translating the Safe & Together Model’s tried-and-trusted methods into clear and practical information for practitioners and survivors. An essential toolkit for partnership and intervention.

    Dr. Emma Katz, Author of "Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives"

  • David Mandel’s "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers" combines a deep and profound understanding of domestic abuse survivors’ experiences with an eminently practical set of tools for improving our systems.

    Dr. Marsha Scott, CEO, Scottish Women’s Aid

  • This book is an excellent distillation of Mandel and his colleagues' decades of work in developing the Safe & Together Model of intervention that is used worldwide. Mandel examines the many myths and barriers that survivors must overcome to find safety for themselves and their children and then offers clear and concise principles and intervention strategies that aim to overcome these obstacles. Mandel's book sets the gold standard for addressing these complex dynamics and promoting safety and well-being.

    Jeffrey L. Edleson, PhD, Distinguished Professor of the Graduate School and Harry & Riva Specht Chair Emeritus in Publicly Supported Social Services Dean (2012-19), Berkeley Social Welfare, University of California