The Unsung Heroes: How Friends and Family Can Make or Break a Survivor’s Journey
By David Mandel, CEO and Founder, Safe & Together Institute
In my years working with domestic violence, I’ve learned a crucial lesson: When survivors reach out for help, they often turn to family and friends first, not hotlines or shelters. It’s a sobering reality that these loved ones, despite their good intentions, frequently struggle to provide the supportive response that’s so desperately needed. This gap between intention and impact is why I’m thrilled about resources like the Safe & Together Institute’s Ally Guide.
The Hard Truth: Family First, But It’s Complicated
Let’s look at some eye-opening statistics:
A staggering 64% of survivors who reach out for help contact a friend or family member first [1].
Yet, a SafeLives survey found that 23% of survivors reported their family and friends didn’t believe them when they disclosed abuse [2]. Imagine the courage it takes to speak up, only to be met with disbelief.
Even more disheartening, 35% were told to stay and “work things out” with their abuser [2].
It’s not just a few isolated incidents—a study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence showed that 45% of survivors who disclosed to family or friends received at least one negative response, like being blamed or told to keep it quiet [3].
These aren’t just numbers—they represent real people facing one of the most challenging moments of their lives, only to be let down by those they trust most. The consequences are serious: Survivors who receive these unsupportive reactions are less likely to seek further help and more likely to return to abusive situations [4].
The Power of Positive Support
But here’s the good news: When family and friends get it right, the impact is profound:
Survivors with positive support from loved ones are twice as likely to seek formal help services [5].
Good support is linked to lower rates of PTSD and depression among survivors [6].
Perhaps most crucially, it’s associated with higher rates of leaving abusive relationships and staying away from abusers [7].
Bridging the Gap: Education is Key
This stark contrast between the potential for positive impact and the reality of often negative responses underscores a critical need: We must educate family and friends on how to be effective allies to survivors.
This is why I’m so passionate about resources like the Ally Guide. It provides concrete strategies for:
Validating survivors’ experiences
Offering practical support
Avoiding victim-blaming language
Respecting survivors’ autonomy in decision-making
These aren’t just nice-to-haves—they’re essential tools that can transform a well-meaning but potentially harmful response into life-changing support.
A Call to Action: What Can We Do?
As professionals and community members, we have a responsibility to spread awareness about the critical role of informal support networks. Here’s what I believe we need to do:
Share resources like the Ally Guide far and wide. Let’s get this information out there!
Advocate for including family and friend support in domestic violence response training.
Encourage open conversations about how to support loved ones experiencing abuse. It’s time to break the silence.
Support organizations that provide education and resources for families and friends of survivors.
Remember, the right words from a loved one at the right time can be the catalyst that helps a survivor find safety and healing. Let’s make sure those words are said more often.
What do you think? How can we better engage informal support networks to help survivors? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
References
[1] National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2015). Who Will Help Me? Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out About Law Enforcement Responses. Washington, DC.
[2] SafeLives. (2016). A Cry for Health: Why we must invest in domestic abuse services in hospitals. Bristol: SafeLives.
[3] Sylaska, K. M., & Edwards, K. M. (2014). Disclosure of Intimate Partner Violence to Informal Social Support Network Members: A Review of the Literature. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 15(1), 3-21.
[4] Edwards, K. M., Dardis, C. M., & Gidycz, C. A. (2012). Women's disclosure of dating violence: A mixed methodological study. Feminism & Psychology, 22(4), 507-517.
[5] Goodkind, J. R., Gillum, T. L., Bybee, D. I., & Sullivan, C. M. (2003). The impact of family and friends' reactions on the well-being of women with abusive partners. Violence Against Women, 9(3), 347-373.
[6] Coker, A. L., Smith, P. H., Thompson, M. P., McKeown, R. E., Bethea, L., & Davis, K. E. (2002). Social support protects against the negative effects of partner violence on mental health. Journal of Women's Health & Gender-Based Medicine, 11(5), 465-476.
[7] Bybee, D. I., & Sullivan, C. M. (2002). The process through which an advocacy intervention resulted in positive change for battered women over time. American Journal of Community Psychology, 30(1), 103-132.