It’s Time to Stop Parental Alienation Accusations & Start Acknowledging the Healing Role of Domestic Abuse Survivors
By David Mandel, CEO and Founder, Safe & Together Institute
“Single mothers are essentially the unofficial reserve army of prevention agents in this country and around the world.” Jess Hill's powerful observation highlights a dangerous paradox in our response to domestic violence: systems punish protective parents for the very work that helps children heal and prevents future violence.
Every day, protective parents (mostly mothers) who have survived domestic abuse work tirelessly to help their children heal from trauma while actively preventing them from either perpetrating or experiencing violence in their own future relationships. They do this complex, emotionally demanding work largely unsupported and, worse, often under threat of being labeled as “alienating” for simply helping their children process their experiences and learn about healthy relationships.
Research validates their critical role. Studies show that mothers experiencing domestic violence possess similar or higher quality parenting strengths compared to mothers in non-violent homes (Lapierre, 2008; Tailor et al., 2015). Maternal warmth and strong mother-child communication can significantly mediate the impact of domestic violence exposure (Haight et al., 2007; Skopp et al., 2007).
The Current Paradox in Documentation
While research validates survivor parents’ protective capacities, many systems still silence and punish the very people doing crucial prevention work. In family courts, discussing past abuse or helping children understand current safety risks can lead to accusations of “parental alienation.” This forces protective parents to choose between helping their children process trauma and potentially losing custody.
Imagine a Different Approach in Documentation
Think about if we instead:
Provided financial support so protective parents could focus on their children’s healing
Offered specialized training in trauma-informed parenting
Taught protective parents skills for age-appropriate safety and trauma discussions
Supported protective parents in helping children understand and process their experiences
Created peer support networks for both parents and children
Recognized their essential but often invisible protective efforts like maintaining employment, housing stability, and children’s education despite perpetrator interference
This targeted trauma- and domestic abuse–informed strategy makes sense because:
Research shows survivor parents actively take steps to promote child safety and well-being
Children already have a trusted adult invested in their healing
The protective parent has intimate knowledge of the specific patterns of abuse their children have experienced
Studies find maternal warmth and support can buffer children from trauma impacts
As the Safe & Together Institute’s research briefing concluded: “By building partnerships with adult survivors based on an accurate and comprehensive assessment of mothering strengths, child welfare systems services can better align themselves with needs of the family, hold the perpetrator accountable as a parent, and keep more children safe in their own home.”
True prevention isn’t just about general education—it's about supporting those already doing the work. It’s time to shift from “failure to protect” and “parental alienation” mindsets to recognizing and resourcing protective parents as the prevention experts they are.