When Children Become Weapons: How the Safe & Together Model Reveals Perpetrators’ Hidden Tactics
By Jackie Wruck, Asia Pacific Regional Manager, Safe & Together Institute
For too long, we’ve talked about domestic violence as something that happens between adults while children merely “witness” it from the sidelines. But what if that’s not the whole story? What if children aren’t just accidentally caught in the crossfire but are deliberately targeted as part of the perpetrator’s strategy to maintain control?
The Safe & Together Model shines a spotlight on an uncomfortable truth: Perpetrators don’t just harm their partners—they strategically use children as both tools and targets in their campaign of coercive control.
More Than Just “Witnessing”
When we say children “witnessed domestic violence,” we’re missing the bigger picture. This language makes it sound like violence just happens around children, like bad weather they can’t avoid. But perpetrators are making calculated choices about how to use their role as a parent to maximise harm and control.
Children experience significant harm from domestic violence even when they are not direct targets. They may face housing instability and displacement when evictions result from the abuser’s behaviour, forcing them to leave familiar schools and communities. The violence also affects their daily care—an injured survivor may be physically unable to provide comfort such as holding or physical affection. Additionally, children often absorb harmful messages directed at the survivor, particularly when told they resemble that parent, leading them to internalise negative beliefs about themselves and their worth.
It’s important to not overlook well-behaved or academically successful children, as their compliance and achievement may mask underlying trauma that stems from fear rather than genuine well-being. These children may be performing well or staying quiet to avoid potential consequences they associate with failure or disappointing behaviour.
Think about it: Who better to target than the person their victim loves most? Perpetrators understand that threatening, harming, or manipulating children is often the most effective way to keep their partner trapped and compliant.
The Parental Advantage
Here’s what makes this particularly sinister: Perpetrators aren’t strangers to these children—they’re often their fathers, stepfathers, or mother’s partners. They have intimate knowledge of what each child fears, loves, and needs. They know exactly which buttons to push.
This trusted position gives them unprecedented access and influence. They can:
Threaten to harm children if their partner tries to leave
Use custody threats to keep survivors silent
Turn children against the survivor through manipulation
Isolate children from support systems
Sabotage the survivor’s relationship with the children
A Different Lens
The Safe & Together Model asks us to flip our perspective. Instead of asking “What did the children see?” it asks “What did the perpetrator do to these children as part of his pattern of control?”
This isn’t about blaming all fathers or partners; it’s about recognising that domestic violence perpetration is a parenting choice—one that betrays the fundamental duty of care that comes with being a parent.
Why This Matters
Understanding how perpetrators weaponise children changes everything…
For survivors: It validates their fears about leaving and helps them understand why staying might feel safer.
For professionals: It shifts focus from judging mothers’ “protective capacity” to holding perpetrators accountable for their choices as parents.
For systems: It demands better safety planning that considers how children are being used as leverage.
When we recognise that children are deliberate targets—not accidental victims—we can finally start building responses that protect both survivors and their children from perpetrators who exploit the parent-child bond as their most powerful weapon.
The Safe & Together Model doesn’t just change how we see domestic violence—it changes how we respond to it. And that could save lives.
Additional Resources
Safe & Together Institute’s domestic abuse–informed trainings
Safe & Together Institute’s upcoming events
David Mandel’s book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence
