Season 4 Episode 7: Survivors Are Better Parents Than Most People Think (Even Survivors Themselves)
About This Episode
In this episode, David and Ruth talk about why the Safe & Together Institute focuses on survivor protective capacities and some of the research behind this approach. While assessments of harm and risk and trauma frameworks are important, these approaches highlight danger and pathologies, and, while necessary, they are not sufficient enough for true collaboration and partnering with survivors.
In a world where there are gender double standards related to parenting (e.g., higher standards for women as parents than for men), it is essential that we don’t just focus on harm but also on survivors’ protective efforts and acts of resistance and parenting skills even in environments where the perpetrator is controlling so much. Assessment and documentation of survivors’ protective capacities can make the difference between whether those children stay safely with that survivor, removed by child protection, or placed with an abusive parent.
Ruth and David discuss some of the research behind this strength-based approach to survivors as parents that suggests:
Many domestic violence survivors are good parents who actively take steps to promote their child’s safety and well-being
Mothers who are domestic violence survivors are functioning similarly or even better as parents than their counterparts who are not being abused
Greater stress and negative effects of violence on the adult survivor does not always equal compromised parenting
A majority of domestic violence survivors, even those experiencing severe violence, do not experience depression or anxiety
Most domestic violence survivors do not use drugs nor abuse alcohol to the point of drunkenness
Despite barriers created by the perpetrator, many domestic violence survivors engage in a range of actions to promote the well-being and safety of their children including medical care, employment, and housing
Maternal warmth or “mothering resilience” may play a critical protective role for children exposed to perpetrator behavior
David and Ruth also talk about how assessing, validating, and documenting survivors’ strengths can play an important role in partnering with survivors. When professionals assess, validate, and document survivors’ protective capacities, it can:
Combat the perpetrator’s mental and psychological control (e.g., “You are not a bad mom but a good mom operating in a difficult situation.”)
Help systems and practitioners partner with survivors (e.g., identify strengths, validating them, and making plans based on their strengths not just their risks)
Inoculate survivors from bad decisions based on “failure to protect” and “parental alienation” allegations—the two major myths that shape how systems interact with mothers who are domestic violence survivor
Additional Resources
Safe & Together Institute’s domestic abuse–informed trainings
Safe & Together Institute’s upcoming events
David Mandel’s book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence