From Savior to Partner: Recognizing and Transforming Our Impact

By Ruth Reymundo Mandel, Chief Business Development Officer and Co-Owner, Safe & Together Institute 

The journey from saviorism to partnership begins with honest self-reflection about how we respond when survivors make choices, hold beliefs, and have family and relationship structures and values very different from ours. Many of us may recognize ourselves in these patterns.

When Control Is Lost, Trauma Surfaces

Have you noticed feeling personally wounded or victimized when a survivor doesn’t follow your suggested path? This visceral response often stems from our own trauma around lack of control. We might experience anxiety, frustration, and even anger—not because the survivor is wrong, but because we're triggered by our inability to direct their choices in ways we are mandated to do, in ways we believe are safer for the survivor and their children.

When “Right” Becomes Rigid

Some of us bring strong convictions about the “right way” to heal, parent, or rebuild after abuse. Some of us even have strong convictions about the right way to live, to relate to one’s self and others, and to structure our families. When survivors choose differently, we may feel personally affronted, even victimized by their autonomy or even outraged by their choices. This reaction reveals more about our need to impose our values than about what survivors actually need.

When Systems Enable Saviorism

Many of us work within systems and methodologies that validate controlling approaches under the guise of “best practices” or “evidence-based interventions.” We may use our professional authority to override survivor choices, self-determination, rights, and autonomy by believing we have a mandate to “save them from themselves.”

The Path to True Partnership

The antidote to saviorism is genuine partnership. Here's what this transformation looks like in practice. Instead of feeling threatened by a survivor’s different choices, we can:

  • Take a breath and examine our emotional response

  • Remind ourselves that their autonomy and self-determination are crucial for healing and maintaining their rights

  • Get curious about their reasoning and expertise

  • Get curious about our response

  • Trust that they know their situation best (Ah! That's a hard one, isn't it?)

Rather than imposing our values, we can:

  • Acknowledge our beliefs as personal, not universal truths

  • Respect diverse paths and strategies for safety and healing

  • Offer information while honoring self-determination

  • Celebrate when survivors make empowered choices, even if different from our suggestions

Where we might have used professional authority to control, we can:

  • Provide options without pressure

  • Document strengths and protective efforts

  • Advocate for systems change that respects survivor autonomy

  • Mind our own values and beliefs and live them while creating freedom for others to mind theirs

When we release our need to control outcomes, survivors are more likely to:

  • Share crucial information about risk and safety

  • Engage authentically in services

  • Build on their existing protective strategies

  • Create sustainable changes that work for their family

  • Trust you as a professional

Savorism Self-Awareness

Moving forward requires ongoing self-awareness. Notice when you feel that urge to override a survivor’s choices. Recognize it as your issue to work through, not theirs to accommodate. Remember that true partnership, while sometimes challenging our need for control, creates better outcomes than saviorism ever could. Let’s commit to examining our practice honestly and moving toward a partnership that truly honors survivor wisdom and autonomy. The safety and well-being of the families we serve depend on it.

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