From Savior to Partner: Recognizing and Transforming Our Impact
By Ruth Reymundo Mandel, Chief Business Development Officer and Co-Owner, Safe & Together Institute
The journey from saviorism to partnership begins with honest self-reflection about how we respond when survivors make choices, hold beliefs, and have family and relationship structures and values very different from ours. Many of us may recognize ourselves in these patterns.
When Control Is Lost, Trauma Surfaces
Have you noticed feeling personally wounded or victimized when a survivor doesn’t follow your suggested path? This visceral response often stems from our own trauma around lack of control. We might experience anxiety, frustration, and even anger—not because the survivor is wrong, but because we're triggered by our inability to direct their choices in ways we are mandated to do, in ways we believe are safer for the survivor and their children.
When “Right” Becomes Rigid
Some of us bring strong convictions about the “right way” to heal, parent, or rebuild after abuse. Some of us even have strong convictions about the right way to live, to relate to one’s self and others, and to structure our families. When survivors choose differently, we may feel personally affronted, even victimized by their autonomy or even outraged by their choices. This reaction reveals more about our need to impose our values than about what survivors actually need.
When Systems Enable Saviorism
Many of us work within systems and methodologies that validate controlling approaches under the guise of “best practices” or “evidence-based interventions.” We may use our professional authority to override survivor choices, self-determination, rights, and autonomy by believing we have a mandate to “save them from themselves.”
The Path to True Partnership
The antidote to saviorism is genuine partnership. Here's what this transformation looks like in practice. Instead of feeling threatened by a survivor’s different choices, we can:
Take a breath and examine our emotional response
Remind ourselves that their autonomy and self-determination are crucial for healing and maintaining their rights
Get curious about their reasoning and expertise
Get curious about our response
Trust that they know their situation best (Ah! That's a hard one, isn't it?)
Rather than imposing our values, we can:
Acknowledge our beliefs as personal, not universal truths
Respect diverse paths and strategies for safety and healing
Offer information while honoring self-determination
Celebrate when survivors make empowered choices, even if different from our suggestions
Where we might have used professional authority to control, we can:
Provide options without pressure
Document strengths and protective efforts
Advocate for systems change that respects survivor autonomy
Mind our own values and beliefs and live them while creating freedom for others to mind theirs
When we release our need to control outcomes, survivors are more likely to:
Share crucial information about risk and safety
Engage authentically in services
Build on their existing protective strategies
Create sustainable changes that work for their family
Trust you as a professional
Savorism Self-Awareness
Moving forward requires ongoing self-awareness. Notice when you feel that urge to override a survivor’s choices. Recognize it as your issue to work through, not theirs to accommodate. Remember that true partnership, while sometimes challenging our need for control, creates better outcomes than saviorism ever could. Let’s commit to examining our practice honestly and moving toward a partnership that truly honors survivor wisdom and autonomy. The safety and well-being of the families we serve depend on it.