Strengthening Families and Fatherhood Through Behavioral Accountability
By Ruth Reymundo Mandel, Chief Business Development Officer and Co-Owner, Safe & Together Institute
We need to talk about one of the most damaging stories we tell—that men are naturally violent, emotionally distant, and biologically incapable of nurturing children and relationships. It’s not true—and it’s hurting men, their relationships, their families, and the fabric of our entire society.
The Safe & Together Institute’s work shows that fatherhood isn’t defined simplistically by biology. It’s shaped by experience, belief systems, and the everyday behaviors men choose.
The Lie That Lowers the Bar
For too long, we’ve accepted the dangerous idea that men and boys are “just different”—more aggressive, less emotional, less capable of nurturing. This narrative doesn’t just lower expectations for fathers—it also licenses harm. It frames violence, control, and emotional shutdown as inevitable expressions of manhood, not learned behaviors that hurt families.
And if we follow that logic to its conclusion? Then men, by nature, are:
Unfit for fatherhood
Unfit for partnership
Unfit for government leadership, institutional and community leadership, and cannot contribute to safe and healthy communities.
This belief paints men as biologically incapable of self-regulation, connection, or relational accountability. It strips them of agency—and dignity. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that excuses harm while denying men their full human potential.
But men and women are made of the same emotional and physical matter. Capacity for empathy, love, and connection is not gendered; it is learned through behavioral modeling and the response of others to those behaviors. What shapes behavior isn’t biology—it’s what we teach, normalize, and reward or ignore.
Fatherhood Is Learned: The Behavioral Lens
The Safe & Together approach uses the term male parental development to describe how fathering is shaped over time, not born into—much like motherhood, which is a learned set of skills modeled to girls throughout their lives.
Men develop as parents through:
Early exposure to father figures and caregiving role models
Cultural messages about masculinity and fatherhood
Life transitions like pregnancy, birth, or separation
Everyday parenting moments
Stressors like unemployment, illness, or trauma
When a man chooses violence or control, he is making relational and parenting choices. These choices harm family functioning and break trust. They are not genetic destiny; they are learned—and they can be unlearned.
The Stereotypes That Excuse Harm
We often collapse fatherhood into three unhelpful roles:
The invisible dad, seen as irrelevant
The good guy, praised for doing the bare minimum
The bad guy, written off as beyond repair
These stereotypes let systems avoid holding fathers to real parenting standards. Too often, a father’s role is judged by whether he has a job or criminal record—not how his behavior affects his kids and co-parent.
If we truly care about family strength, we must apply the same behavioral lens to fathers as we do to mothers: Are they emotionally present? Are they safe? Are they contributing to or undermining the family’s health?
Fathers Want to Be Engaged—If We Let Them
Many men want to be better fathers. They just don’t know how or haven’t been supported to grow. When we raise expectations—and provide guidance—many men rise to meet them.
Key life moments like pregnancy, early fatherhood, or separation are powerful opportunities to engage. The results?
Children gain safe, involved fathers
Co-parents feel more supported
Families experience more stability
Men experience greater purpose and connection
Male Biology Does Not Excuse Male Violence
Men and boys are not a separate species. The belief that men are biologically wired for aggression or emotional detachment is not just wrong and debunked—it’s dangerous. But here’s the truth: Violence does not build connection. It challenges and destroys it.
Even when violence is used to keep families “together,” it results in trauma, instability, and loss of true emotional bonds. And those in the family unit do not feel loved, chosen, or safe because choice has been removed.
You cannot feel chosen, loved, or respected while using fear or coercion to force someone to stay. Abusers will always doubt their partner and children’s “commitment” for they have removed the ability to choose and consent. They are strangling the very thing they claim to love, terrified they will not be “chosen” while their behaviors render them “unchoosable.” There is no consent in coercive or violent relationships.
If violence were “natural,” it wouldn’t leave behind broken families, frightened children, and hollow relationships. These are not the marks of biology. They are the consequences of harmful learned behaviors—and they are preventable.
When we label violence as destiny, we erase accountability. We fail to support change. We shift blame to victims and ignore the actual impact of the perpetrator’s choices.
The Path Forward: Accountability as Strength
Fatherhood isn’t about hormones—it’s about behavior. Men are capable of being safe, emotionally present, engaged partners and parents. To foster this, we must:
Acknowledge how institutions, culture, and systems normalize male entitlement.
Apply equal standards to fatherhood and motherhood. (Take a minute to pause: How did that feel? What does your reaction tell you?)
Evaluate impact, not identity—does this man’s behavior support child well-being and partner safety?
Reject the myth that testosterone or male biology explains violence—it’s an excuse, not an explanation.
Support men who want to grow and hold accountable those who cause harm.
Building Stronger Families Starts With Truth
Healthy fathering is not out of reach. It’s built, like anything worth building, through modeling, expectations, and support. When we stop hiding behind myths and start talking about impact, we create real opportunities for men to live in integrity—and for families to thrive with safety and trust.
True strength doesn’t come from control. It comes from behavioral accountability.
