Choose Love, Not Coercion: Feel Truly Valued
By Ruth Reymundo Mandel, Chief Business Development Officer and Co-Owner, Safe & Together Institute
The greatest irony of using coercive control or violence to keep someone in a relationship or in contact is that it destroys the very thing we say we most desire: genuine love and support, freely given.
When we examine domestic abuse and coercive control, we often focus on the harm to survivors. This perspective is essential, but I want to highlight something often overlooked: how perpetrators’ choices ultimately erode the authentic relationships they claim to want and their relationship and behavioral health.
The Self-Defeating Cycle of Control
Consider this pattern: A person feels insecure in their relationship, perhaps fearing rejection or abandonment. To manage this anxiety, they begin implementing controls:
Monitoring their partner’s whereabouts and communications
Restricting connections with friends and family
Demeaning their partner, verbally abusing them, or accusing them of infidelity to restrict their contact with others
Using guilt, intimidation, or threats when their partner asserts independence
Creating an unpredictable environment where the partner lives in constant anxiety and fear about potential emotional, financial, and physical reactions
The tragic outcome? These very behaviors destroy any chance of genuine connection and a healthy long-term relationship. How can love flourish when one person feels trapped, fearful, hunted, and hounded rather than chosen?
The Role of Shame
At the core of many controlling behaviors lies fear and shame. Shame is a profound feeling of unworthiness or inadequacy that becomes unbearable. Often instilled in us during our childhood by a caretaker, teacher, or religious leader, shame is a powerful force for self-harm and harm to others. Rather than facing and processing this shame in healthy ways, many perpetrators attempt to manage it through control, manipulation, and even violence—toward the self with substance use or lack of care for the body or through violence to others.
When someone feels deeply ashamed of perceived flaws or past failures, they may try to create, control, and manipulate a “perfect” external environment where those vulnerabilities are never exposed. This attempt to control situations, relationships, and others’ perceptions becomes a misguided shield against feeling shame or fear of loss.
The paradox is that these controlling, coercive, violent behaviors only generate more shame and fear over time, creating a destructive cycle that’s difficult to break without direct behavioral and relational help.
The Illusion of Security
When someone uses coercive tactics to “secure” a relationship, they live with a painful paradox. They may have physical presence and compliance, but they’ve lost something far more valuable—their partner’s authentic desire to be with them and their trust.
This creates a destructive cycle:
Controlling behaviors intensify
Partner’s genuine feelings erode further
Perpetrator senses the emotional withdrawal
Insecurity and shame increase, triggering more controlling behaviors
The relationship becomes a hollow shell of obligation rather than mutual care. The person using control never experiences being truly chosen by their partner—the very thing they say they desperately want.
The Mental Health Cost to Perpetrators
While much-needed focus is rightly placed on the harm done to survivors, less often discussed is the toll violence takes on those who use it. According to research compiled in Frontiers in Psychology’s Mental Health Impact of Violence series, individuals who perpetrate violence may suffer from significant psychological consequences themselves, including heightened levels of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress symptoms, and emotional dysregulation. These mental health impacts can intensify over time as perpetrators become further entrenched in cycles of control and coercion.
This research reinforces a critical truth: violence is not only destructive to others—it is self-destructive. The very tools used to avoid vulnerability and fear end up entrenching the user in deeper psychological pain, isolation, and instability.
Breaking the Pattern, Breaking the Cycle
What’s the alternative? A relationship built on healthy relationship supportive behaviors and respect for each other’s human rights, where both people:
Honor each other’s autonomy and freedom
Support growth rather than restrict it
Communicate openly about fears and insecurities
Create safety for honest expression
Take responsibility for emotions and behaviors and their impact on the relationship
For perpetrators, a crucial step is learning to recognize and process fear, insecurity, and shame without resorting to control or violence. This means developing the capacity to:
Identify those emotional triggers before they lead to controlling and violent behaviors
Sit with uncomfortable, powerful emotions without acting on them
Seek guidance and support when feelings, fears, or emotions become overwhelming
Separate feelings and emotions from actions and choices
Creating Your “Choose to Change” Network
If you recognize controlling patterns in your own behavior, there are concrete steps you can take. One powerful approach is developing a “Choose to Change” network—people who can support you when you feel triggered toward controlling behaviors.
These are people who:
Want you to succeed as a partner and parent
Will respond when you’re worried about your behavior
Can remind you that you have control over your actions
Will help you process difficult emotions like shame without resorting to control
Will reinforce your desire to be respectful and loving
The four steps to creating this network include:
Identifying people who want you to succeed
Creating different types of contacts for different situations
Reaching out to build your support network
Actually using these connections when you feel at risk of harmful behaviors
Choose Love, Not Control
True intimacy comes from being chosen freely, not from being controlled. When we release our grip and support our partners and their freedom to choose us each day, we create the possibility for something authentic, powerful, and meaningful that deeply fulfills each other. The irony is profound: Only by surrendering control and learning to face our own shame can we experience being genuinely loved and chosen. And isn’t that what we all truly want?
