A Deadly Silence: Why Ignoring Fathers’ Violence Undermines Boys’ Futures
By David Mandel, CEO and Founder, Safe & Together Institute
I’m deeply disturbed by the trend of disconnecting the very important discussion about boys and men’s health and well-being from the reality of men’s perpetration of violence, especially in the home. For some advocates, it’s almost like one has nothing to do with the other, while the evidence says something very different.
For one example of this, I focus on a recent report entitled “Lost Boys” by the Centre for Social Justice, which exemplifies the deafening silence of advocates for boys and men’s health on the topic of fathers and their perpetration of coercive control. While the report presents a compelling case for the crisis facing boys and young men in the UK, highlighting issues such as father absence, youth crime, educational underachievement, and poor mental health, it notably omits a critical factor: the role of fathers' perpetration of domestic abuse and coercive control in shaping these outcomes.
Father Absence: A Convenient Narrative?
The report emphasizes the detrimental effects of father absence, citing statistics that boys raised without fathers face higher risks of poor mental health, criminal involvement, and educational struggles. However, it treats father absence as a standalone phenomenon, primarily attributed to social trends and changing family structures, without addressing a significant underlying cause: domestic abuse perpetrated by fathers.
Research indicates that domestic abuse is a major driver of family breakdown. Many mothers separate from violent partners to protect themselves and their children. Exposure to domestic violence in early childhood significantly impacts boys' development, leading to increased aggression, emotional dysregulation, and, in some cases, the perpetuation of violence in adulthood. These issues are central to the report's concerns but are not identified as one their root causes.
The Intergenerational Impact of Fathers’ Violence
The omission is particularly striking given the report's focus on intergenerational cycles of disadvantage. Studies have shown that boys who grow up in homes where their fathers abuse their mothers are at a higher risk of developing behavioral problems, engaging in youth violence, and struggling with relationships as adults. Witnessing paternal violence disrupts attachment, impairs emotional regulation, and contributes to feelings of aimlessness and alienation—the very issues the report seeks to address. As a result of men’s violence, in and out of the home, families suffer economic hardships resulting from loss of employment for one or both parents, relocation, and other consequences. In sum, domestic violence perpetrated by fathers can impact boys’ entire lives, including their relationships, risk of incarceration, financial security, happiness, and overall satisfaction with their lives.
By failing to connect these dots, “Lost Boys” risks reinforcing a harmful narrative that places the onus on absent fathers without examining why many fathers become absent in the first place. The lack of focus on fathers’ choices and behaviors also opens the door to subtle (or not so subtle) mother-blaming, as many cultures, religions and, communities hold mothers more responsible for the health and togetherness of the family. And it sidesteps the uncomfortable but essential question: How many of these absent fathers left willingly, and how many were removed due to their harmful behaviors?
The Missing Conversation on Men, Boys & Health
Another major gap in the report is the absence of discussion on how fathers' perpetration of domestic violence impacts the health and well-being of men and boys. The report extensively discusses the struggles of boys—suicide, mental health crises, and physical health concerns—but does not explore the well-documented link between exposure to domestic violence and adverse health outcomes for boys.
Boys who witness or experience domestic abuse are at increased risk of chronic stress, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even cardiovascular disease later in life. Studies show that childhood exposure to trauma—including domestic violence—can have long-term physiological effects, such as dysregulated stress responses and increased vulnerability to mental illness. This is glaring oversight when almost daily we see reports on the number of children, including infants, being removed from UK homes due to domestic abuse, and in Australia, a recent report found that almost 40% of the Australian population was exposed to domestic abuse as a child. Yet, the report does not identify this as a key driver of the health crisis facing boys today.
Moreover, the report misses a crucial opportunity to address how fathers who perpetrate violence often suffer from unresolved trauma, poor mental health, and untreated substance abuse issues—factors that harm their partners and children and perpetuate their own cycles of poor well-being. Addressing men's violence is not just about protecting women and children; it is also about confronting and healing the underlying issues that drive men to harm in the first place. It’s about giving men a better chance to succeed in relationships, as parents, and in wider society.
Beyond Presence: The Quality of Fathering Matters
The “Lost Boys” report also falls into a common pitfall: assuming that father absence itself is the primary issue rather than analyzing the quality of fathering. This omission subtly suggests that merely having a father in the home is what matters, rather than examining whether that father's presence is positive or negative.
Fathers can remain deeply influential in a child's life whether they live in the home or not. Research shows that non-custodial fathers who are engaged, supportive, and nurturing can have a profound positive impact on their children's well-being. Conversely, fathers who are abusive, neglectful, or emotionally absent—even if they remain physically present—can contribute to poor outcomes for children.
By framing father absence as the central issue, the report effectively erases the role of non-custodial parents, many of whom continue to play crucial roles in their children's lives. It also downplays the fact that simply having a father in the home does not guarantee positive developmental outcomes. Fathering behaviors, not just presence, are what determine a child's well-being.
A Missed Opportunity for Solutions for Boys
The report's reluctance to address the role of domestic abuse in father absence limits its ability to offer effective solutions. If we want to break cycles of disadvantage for boys and young men, we must start with a full and honest accounting of the factors at play. That means recognizing that tackling father absence also requires addressing domestic abuse.
This is not just a theoretical argument—it has direct policy implications. Effective interventions for boys must go beyond encouraging father involvement; they must ensure that the fathers who remain present are safe, non-violent, and capable of positive parenting. Support services for young men must address the trauma of witnessing domestic violence, not just the economic and social consequences of fatherlessness.
Naming the Problem to Solve It
The “Lost Boys” report raises critical concerns about boys' well-being in the UK, but its failure to explicitly link these challenges to fathers' perpetration of violence is a serious shortcoming. Without acknowledging domestic abuse as a major driver of father absence and poor outcomes for boys, the report risks reinforcing a narrative that absolves violent men of responsibility while ignoring the needs of the boys who have lived with their harm.
If we truly care about boys' futures, as well as the health and well-being of today’s fathers, we must name the problem—and that means acknowledging that domestic abuse perpetration is not a side issue. It is a core factor in the very crisis this report seeks to address.