Season 1 Episode 9: “My Daughter Is Being Abused and I Don’t Know What to Say”: The Friends & Family Episode
About This Episode
In this episode, Ruth and David discuss how family and friends can be effective allies to loved ones living in abuse. Victims often first disclose to friends and family members, but even with the desire to be supportive, kin can respond with judgment and victim-blaming. These responses can have the effect of silencing the survivor, increasing their isolation, shame, and sense of being trapped.
David and Ruth offer practical tools, strategies, and language for friends and family to partner and support a loved one navigating domestic abuse and coercive control. Definitions of “coercive control” and “domestic abuse” are outlined to help friends and family identify and understand non-physical forms of abuse and the risk and harm associated.
Drawing from the Safe & Together Model’s partnering framework, which is used to train professionals in the domestic violence and child protection fields, Ruth and David discuss the importance of affirming, asking, validating, collaborative planning, and documentation. Ruth and David touch on diverse topics such the unique barriers to disclosure faced by survivors in same-sex relationships, how cultural beliefs about gender encourage victim-blaming and increase the ability of perpetrators to entrap survivors, and how to really listen to a loved one who is being abused while maintaining a behavioral focus on the perpetrator’s choices to harm and abuse. Ruth shares her own experiences as a survivor who faced judgment and disbelief by friends and family and how it impacted her safety and healing.
This podcast does not represent legal advice and is not intended to replace accessing formal services.
Additional Resources
Safe & Together Institute’s Ally Guide for Friends & Family
Safe & Together Institute’s domestic abuse–informed trainings
Safe & Together Institute’s upcoming events
David Mandel’s book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence